Let me explain:This morning as I'm rushing out of the house to go to my place of employment, I run into the kitchen and grab a blueberry muffin off the counter.
I take a bite out of the muffin while I'm walking out of the kitchen.
I had to pause and brush the hair out of my mouth that got pulled into the muffin bite. My hair was tickling my face. As I'm wiping the hair off my face, I glance at the half-bitten muffin in my right hand.
IT'S COVERED IN ANTS. The tickling on my face wasn't my hair, it was ants CRAWLING on my face and lips.
I throw the muffin down on the kitchen floor, glance up at the counter top and my plate of muffins. Covered in ants.
I run to the toilet 2 ft away and spit out the muffin bite along with four ants.
This is when I proceed to squeal, spit and beat my hands over my face, chest, hair and body. "Plah, Plah, Plah!" Splashing water into my mouth and wiping my lips of little ant bodies.
"Eeeeek!"
Dave drowsily from the bedroom, "What's wrong?"
I rinse my mouth with Listerine and watch the green-blue fluid and three ants drain into the sink.
The second rinsing yielded one more body. More rinsing of mouth until I was ant free.
"EEEEEEEK!"
Dave, "Are you ok?" Still in the bedroom.
WHAT THE HELL KIND OF A HERO ARE YOU?
Once I'm done beating the crap out of myself, I head to the bedroom and explain to Dave what just happened. His face finally displays the gravity of the situation.
"Oh my God. That's like a nightmare."
WHAT THE HELL KIND OF PEOPLE ARE PLAGUED WITH BUGS IN MOUTH NIGHTMARES?
I'd try to sew my mouth shut after a dream like that. THAT is bullshit. It's more like a bad acid trip (so I'm told). YOU CAN'T DENY THAT SKIN CRAWL.
DUDE, IT STAYS WITH YOU!
I almost wreck on the way to work, because I'm still spitting and my throat is scratchy from being a resting place for the dead ant carcasses that got swallowed. And THEY ARE STUCK IN MY ESOPHAGUS!
Shudder.
So I call my mom later to tell her what happened. As I get to the ants in my mouth and tickling my lips part, she gasps appropriately, "Oh God" and guffaws.
After I finish my tale, she's like, "Well it could have been worse."
I'M SORRY, HOW COULD THIS HAVE BEEN WORSE, MOM?
"Well, they could have been maggots, Jill."
YOU'RE RIGHT MOM, AND I WOULD HAVE RIPPED MY FACE OFF.
So really, all of my optimism is my mom's fault.
So whenever you think it's bad, just remember my Mom, "It could have been worse."
Then you'll know, nothing is worse than biting into maggots and having them tickle your face.
i don't know, i think ants are worse than maggots. if a maggot was in your muffin, you'd probably mistake the maggot for a tasteless blueberry and never know the difference.
ReplyDeleteants are the worst.
After the tears and laughter stopped, which took a while, I was ready to go about my day and then it hit me. It was pancakes so at least they were deceased based on fatal body heat brought upon by the sizzling pan, but going back for seconds you could see them doing the back stoke in the batter that the excitement of making pancakes overrode. My sister and I were 12 & 11. She thought they would taste better the second time around in a reverse migration pattern, but I thought no I'd let the little deceased meal not pass by my taste buds a second time. Now, I only wish they had been ants. So in a tribute to your mother "It could have been worse" she's right they could have been alive.
ReplyDeleteIll have you know I have wanted to vomit ever since you told me this story
ReplyDelete